Types of relationships
The relationship you have with yourself is not only the longest but also the most important and profound relationship you will ever have. Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have. So, it's pretty important to invest in it!
It’s perfectly ok not to hold romantic or sexual relationships in high regards. Sexuality and romanticism are on a spectrum, as is the types of relationships you have, from platonic, sexual, romantic and to not at all! Aromantic and asexual people challenge the societal structures of what a “traditional” relationship can look like. Every relationship is different. You don’t need a particular reason to not want to be in one. If you decide you do want a relationship, read on!
There are lots of different ways to have relationships, and self-reflection is a great tool for understanding what your short- and long-term relationship wants, and needs are, which in turn will help you understand the people you may or may not be compatible with. It's also good to think about your values, so that you can look for people who hold similar ones. It’s not essential to have relationships with people who hold similar values to our own, but it pays to think about how a clash in values might impact you – do you hold particular values around monogamy, polyamory, or politics? Communication here is key. Can you both communicate in a way that affirms each other’s views, and reach a compromise or decision that’s right for both of you?
Starting to look for a relationship
Starting to look for relationship is a great time to think about your own sexual desires, practices and health. Check out our sections on pleasure and queer sex to up your skills and knowledge. If you’re experimenting and dating, it’s a great time to get into a regular testing habit. Read through our toolkit of resources to make sure you’ve got the information you need to take control of your sexual health.
A healthy relationship looks like a safe space for partner/s to talk and share things that are important. While sometimes we’re going to run into topics that become dealbreakers, being open and non-judgemental in communication affirms you and your partner/s when you’ve made yourself vulnerable.
Conversations and disclosures around past or current STIs, the words we want to use to talk about ourselves and our bodies, our kinks, our sexuality, sex work, disabilities, our cultural heritage, our gender, religion - the list could go on – is a caring and gentle way to connect with our partners and our community more broadly. It’s worth remembering that communication is a two-way exchange – are you receiving your partner’s words in a way you’d want them to hear yours?
Healthy relationships
A healthy relationship means looking after your physical, mental, and emotional health. Although it might feel like it all depends on chemistry and love, healthy relationships actually happen intentionally with positive effort from everyone involved.
You’ll have ideas around what you want, like and expect in a relationship and it’s important to communicate those. You should also be open to hearing your partner/s ideas and take those on too. You’ll be able to compromise on some things, but not others. It’s a good plan to have an idea of what your non-negotiables are beforehand. Think about topics like religion and politics, cultural etiquette, monogamy (or not), mental health, sex work, disability, etc.
It’s important to find the balance of accepting influence from your partner and maintaining your sense of self in a relationship. It’s quite common to get very absorbed in a romantic relationship. Especially in the early days, it’s exhilarating. But if you stop seeing your friends and family and let go of all your hobbies, you could end up losing your sense of self. A healthy relationship is one in which everybody's individuality still gets to thrive - it’s totally fine to have separate hobbies, interests, and friends!
Talking about sex and sexual health early in any relationship will enable you to make decisions together about the kind of sex you want to have and what STI prevention strategies are right for you. When was the last time you were all tested? Do you want to get tested together? These topics can make anyone feel vulnerable, so take care with your words. There’s no shame in talking about sex, sexuality or STIs.
Ending a relationship
Ending a relationship can feel devastating and there’s no easy way to do it. Nonetheless, sometimes it’s the right thing to do. When you hear the words ‘break-up’ you might immediately think of a romantic or sexual relationship ending, but you can also go through break ups with friends or family.
If you’ve decided that a relationship isn’t working for you, prepare yourself for the break-up. Even if everyone is better off afterwards, the process itself will inevitably involve hurt feelings. If you think you might struggle to stick to your decision, make note of your reasons for wanting to break-up and remember that the feelings will pass. You might also be the one being broken up with, or it might be a mutual decision.
If you think there’s any chance that breaking up with your partner might compromise your safety, seek professional support and do whatever it takes to protect yourself. You can do some safety planning using this tool and you can find a service to support you here.
If you’re the one being broken up with and it comes as a total surprise, remember that a relationship doesn’t define your self-worth. A relationship is about two (or more) people and break ups can happen for an infinite number of reasons.
Breaking up requires a new negotiation of boundaries with your ex/s. These can be harder to agree on than during a relationship as it can feel like you’re not ‘working together’ anymore, so be prepared to enforce your own boundaries. Think about how much contact you want to have, how to manage shared friends etc. Boundaries also include your own personal boundaries with yourself. This might look like deleting phone numbers, blocking on socials, or not allowing yourself to dwell on the good times.
If you’re going through a break-up, take extra care of yourself by finding the balance of alone time and not-alone time that works for you. Spend time with your friends and family and get back into your personal interests.
Be gentle with yourself but try to create a routine that works for you. Make sure you get plenty of sleep.
At the end of the day there’s no right or wrong timeline for recovering from a break-up. It’s a gradual process and it’s normal to feel up and down. If you can access a therapist, they can be fantastic resources for helping you build coping tools.
