“Every time her hand moves somewhere else, she whispers, “May I?” and the thrill of saying yes, yes, is like the pulsing of the tide over your face, and you would gladly drown that way, giving permission.” (Carmen Maria Machado, In the Dream House)
What is consent?
Consent is at the heart of all physical and intimate interactions with each other. Whether you want to hug, kiss, touch, lick, fuck or spoon (big or little), you need to seek and receive free and voluntary consent.
Consent is active. It’s a conversation that keeps going throughout your time together. It’s the key to having fun, hot experiences together and to avoiding causing any kind of harm to others (or to yourself!).
Consent communicated through words is the easiest way to ensure that everyone is feeling good and really wants to do anything sexual. There are other ways to check in around consent, like eye contact, body language and gestures, but most of the time these work best when the people involved already have a history together. Reading these cues isn’t always clear, so checking in verbally is best. For advice on how to build and maintain consent with your partner/s check out Say it Out Loud’s What do healthy interactions look like?
Consent and the law
It is against the law to engage in any kind of sexual activity without consent.
Consent is when everyone involved freely and voluntarily agrees to engage in each sexual activity. This includes kissing, touching, oral sex, and any kind of genital and/or anal contact.
‘Free and voluntary’ means there are situations where someone cannot consent, even if they say yes. This is because they cannot freely choose. People cannot consent legally if they are:
Heavily affected by alcohol or drugs
Unconscious or asleep
Manipulated or threatened into consenting (this is called coercion)
Under the law:
You cannot assume someone is consenting just because they don’t say no. Consent must be communicated by words or actions
If the other person hasn’t communicated that they consent, you have to say or do something to check consent
Find out more about sexual consent laws at Make No Doubt or Youth Law Australia (this info applies to everyone, not just youth!)
Need legal advice? Contact the Inner City Legal Centre, Youth Law Australia or Legal Aid NSW.
For more info and support, visit:
Say It Out Loud: https://sayitoutloud.org.au
1800RESPECT: www.1800respect.org.au or Helpline: 1800 737 732
QLIFE: www.qlife.org.au or 1800 184 527
Affirmative consent
Consent is more than the absence of ‘No’! It’s an ongoing process of checking in with your partner/s.
In 2021, NSW passed new ‘affirmative consent laws.’ So affirmative consent isn’t just best practice – it’s the law.
Consent is free and voluntary. Consent is a clear ‘yes’, not just the absence of a ‘no’.
Consent is an ongoing process! You need to check consent every single time you hook up with someone. Whether it’s the very first time or you’ve been dating for a decade – you need to check!
Consent is specific. Each act needs its own ‘yes’! Giving consent to one thing does not mean you consent to another.
You can withdraw consent at any time. People can change their mind and withdraw consent during any sexual act. This means withdrawing consent from the whole interaction or withdrawing consent from a particular act.
BDSM and consent
If you’re into kink or BDSM, or into giving it a whirl, make sure you understand beforehand, exactly what you and your partner/s want out of the experience (this is pretty good advice for all sex, really).
Sometimes there’s a higher risk of discomfort, injury, or harm in kink and BDSM, especially when you’re trying new things, which is why so many people who practice are really, really good at consent.
Everyone involved is in informed agreement, as negotiated beforehand, and is freely participating. Some people assume that if someone wants to be submissive in BDSM (AKA a sub or bottom), then that means they don’t have any power in the situation – but the sub should be actively consenting to everything that happens.
Nothing happens that wasn’t already agreed to, and everyone has the right to stop at any time, usually using a safe word.
A safe word is usually a non-sexual word (something that is ‘out of place’ in the situation, like ‘pencil case’ or ‘grapefruit’) or signal that the action must stop immediately. It’s like a shortcut or an ejector seat. You say the word and all play ends. It means something has happened that isn’t comfortable or acceptable – or something that was ok isn’t anymore. It’s often easier and faster to say a random word than a full sentence in the heat of the moment.
Some people use the ‘traffic light’ system. ‘Red’ is the safe word, and it means all the action stops right away, and everyone checks in. Saying ‘yellow’ means ‘Slow down a bit’ or ‘I might be getting near my limit’ and ‘green’ means ‘Yay, keep going!’. It’s a simple, easy to remember way to check in with your partners and know exactly where they’re at.
Remember, kink and BDSM do not exist without informed, ongoing, affirmative consent. No matter what kind of play, or what power roles are, or whether you’re role-playing or not – consent must be negotiated before anything happens.
How to check consent
Ask!
The easiest way to get consent is to ask directly. It’s the best way to know for sure that everyone involved feels safe, comfortable, and is 100% into what’s happening. Here are a few ways you could do this:
“Can I kiss you…?”
“Can I touch you there?”
“Do you want me to keep going?”
“How does that feel?”
“I’d love to try ___ if you’re into it…?”
“This feels so good. Can we try…?”
For consent advice when you or your partner are nonverbal, check out Scarleteen’s A Brief Guide to Consenting with a Nonverbal Partner.
Keep checking in!
Remember, affirmative consent laws require you to get consent for all sexual activities. Plus, checking in with your partner means you’re both enjoying what’s happening. Knowing your partner/s are really into everything is hot for all of you.
Read body language!
Just because someone isn’t saying no, doesn’t mean they’re comfortable – and that means you need to check in with them. Keep an eye on body language, gestures, expressions. Some signs someone might be uncomfortable are:
freezing or not responding
hesitation
going quiet
tensing up
covering up
moving away from you
getting teary eyed
Body language varies between people, of course, so double checking directly is always a good idea. If you think someone is uncomfortable or isn’t fully into it, stop and ask if they’re okay.
